Rationalising unhappiness

The worst thing you can do when you're depressed is to isolate yourself, and yet trying to ask for help is one of the hardest things you can do.

I don't think that I am actually depressed, but I know that I am broken, somehow, somewhere, and that's just as bad. I don't know what's wrong. I don't understand how I've ended up here. And this makes it worse.

Talking to someone else, asking them for help - even just for a shoulder to cry on - means opening yourself up completely to them, rendering yourself entirely vulnerable. That's hard. It's really, really hard. It feels like emptying a huge skip of emotional garbage onto their unwittingly friendly heads. I would never, ever want to do that. I never want to feel emotionally reliant on someone else, not one of my friends. It would feel so presumptuous. And so any attempt to ask someone I know for help could only lead to my attempting to play down the whole thing, to laugh at myself, reject any offers of help they might make, and carry on as before. It doesn't work.

Asking someone I don't know? That means admitting that I have a very real problem. I don't have the time for counselling. I don't have the courage to look at the entirely illogical nature of my unhappiness, and I'm definitely not brave enough to admit that this is all my fault.

I am not an unhappy person. I am not depressive. I am ridiculous and foolish and a serial procrastinator, but I learned long ago to be nice to myself. Which means that the only problem that I have is that I think I have a problem.

I read somewhere that unhappiness is circular and cruel, and I think maybe it's true. I don't have a serious problem- that would be taking too much away from the real severity of full-blown depression. But I need to admit to myself that I need to tell someone.

Not the internet, though. The internet doesn't count. Too big, too faceless, too hyperactive. To whinge on the internet is to whinge to yourself. Which is why I'm using this blog post as a first step.

And I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.