Sunny days

First things first, I would like to apologise for the past few posts. I don't want to remove them- they are very good reflections of the space I was in when I wrote them, and ultimately they may have been a force for good.

Today has been a good day. Yesterday too. Really good days. Reason for this is probably quite simple. I finally went to the doctor's on Thursday, after a hell of a week, and, perhaps unsurprisingly, my serotonin levels are much lower than they should be. In layman's terms- I'm depressed. Hurrah.

But really, this was actually an incredibly positive experience for me. Understanding the biological reasons behind why I've been feeling the way I do made the situation much, much more manageable, and made it a lot less scary than a simple 'you're depressed, here's a counsellor' verdict would.

I'm not on any medication just yet. From the looks of things, I simply don't produce enough serotonin- certainly not as much as I used to- but I do have enough to keep me just about afloat, and my levels fluctuate from day to day; apparently there's a very good chance that I'll spend the rest of my life as a walking, talking pathetic fallacy, and cry when it rains. We haven't ruled out 'happy pills' completely - it's quite possible that especially during the winter months I might need something to boost my levels, and I'm quite all right with that. But for the moment the doctor is attempting to remove stressors and let counselling do its thing.

It's a very weird situation. It's very likely that low serotonin levels will be a fixed part of my brain chemistry for the rest of my life, and yet I'm busy talking about 'working to get better.' I don't think that I will be depressed for the rest of my life. I think generally I'm able to work with it. But 'getting better' seems a little odd. I guess I'm just working to get used to it.

I'm currently busy filling out mitigation forms trying to explain what's been going on for the past month or so. Not as much fun as you might think. But I think for now, things are going to be all right.