This is not the right year to fall to pieces.

Oh, life. I assumed that with all things you got easier with practice. I seemed to have had you sussed in 2nd year. Maybe America simply broke things.

This is a poor-me rant. I don't know why. I guess because ranting about procrastination is slightly more productive than trawling the internet before panicking and running back to do work.

I have been trying to figure out why I have been less productive this year, and mostly I've settled on the fact that, with the on-campus construction causing so much disruption, there is simply no study space on campus. Everywhere is crowded. Everywhere. Even hallways. And really, I'd prefer to work in the Law Library, where I actually have access to the texts I need. I find it really hard to work at home.

The problem is that the truth of the matter (I feel) is less to do with lack of study space and more to do with my being apathetic. This term I've barely gone to lectures, I've pushed my deadlines right up to the wire (example- tonight)- I've been, well, that student. And I have no desire at all to be that student. Somewhere in my head I assume I'm still Miss Never-Misses-A-Lecture Does-All-The-Seminar-Reading. But I'm not. And I hate that. And I don't know what caused it. I don't know whether it was the lack of space in the libraries, unwillingness to adapt to change ... I wonder sometimes if it's simply not having a live-in boyfriend to keep me on my toes.

All I do know is that I've been trapped in this endless cycle for over 2 months now where I hate myself for having such a complete lack of motivation and then don't do anything about it. Where I cry over not having self-control but don't try to develop it. I gave up chocolate for Lent. That's the most I've done by way of self-discipline.

My dissertation should be typed. My essay should be planned. I should not be freaking out about workshops at the last minute. I have the time to learn. I just don't know why I'm using it.

I guess this is a plea for help, though I don't know what good it can do. It's 4th year. I should be OK to deal with life by now. I should have finally got it all worked out. What can other people do, when the problem is entirely in my head?